Posts tagged ‘art’

January 14, 2011

where do we go from here?

i haven’t been writing blogs lately because i haven’t had much to say, and that is the truth. i have been writing daily but most of it has been the same old business and i don’t need to post any more of that online, giving voice to my fears and tired mantras. i’ve been writing, and working, and trying to get things sorted out as much as i realistically can.
i’ve pushed through enough different approaches and lived enough cycles of self-deceiving ‘planning stages’ to know that the best way to learn/grow/etc is to just start working and learn by error and feel, but even that basic nugget carries its own bag of sabotaging tricks. my history is against me; i was always good at slipping into borrowed voices and making a passable effort, coming up with something that would be good enough. i don’t suffer from lack of ideas. when i try to put it to myself as plainly as i can, it comes down to having infinite options and paths before me, and not knowing which one is truest to take. and that is a hard question, one i know can’t be answered any way but through trial and error.
so today was spent writing down ideas and working out panels for new comics, but the truth is most of the time was spent trying to ignore that part of my brain that screamed at me that it was all shit, was hopeless, and that i’d never make it. based on experience, those voices get the loudest when they’re feeling threatened. so i take it as a good sign. i also know they will never ever go away.
it feels very shallow and solipsistic to get worked up about such things, when there are people facing far more difficult and legitimate problems everywhere; the question of what i should make and how to make art that is mine feels really indulgent and pretentious. it is a luxury to even have the sort of calm that allows such considerations to exist. but that’s my life, that’s where i am right now. i started today, and it is the hardest thing not to look at what little i’ve done and discount it, setting myself back to square one, again and again and again.


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